Mmmmm white people
– sharks
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ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I unironically love this joke.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
*jingles half the way*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.