Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
be careful
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Guys, I found it.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.