Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.