Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
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My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.