You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
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There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.