Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
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Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
(Electricians.)
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns