MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
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#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My love language is hissing.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.