mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
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I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.