@cervixsmash: Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank
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@dafloydsta: [first day working at Viagra] BOSS: We need a new slogan. ME: *sweating* This is really hard. BOSS: You're a goddamn genius, Johnson.
@AristotlesNZ: I don't like telling people I used to be a stalker. It sounds better saying "I spent a lot of time studying a broad."
@SadieSkyNinja: If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on. In related news, I just broke up with my mom
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: My GF's anti aging cream went bad. HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!