@cervixsmash: Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank
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@shanethevein: I'm not intimidated by a pretty woman. I'm intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
@chapel3929: There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes: 1. Headphone users have torsos? 2. Giraffe strangler
@MarkAgee: People are shitting on gorilla kid's mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could've run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse