@cervixsmash: Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank
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@randomapeig: Cop: seen anything unusual? Me: a dolphin with a hat once Cop: I mean around here Me: nah they live in water
@heyevergreen: My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I'd be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
@MUMSIEesq: The ugly duckling grew up to be a beautiful swan. A beautiful, self-conscious, mentally unstable, overmedicated, antisocial swan.
@ConcernedSirGuy: Sirs & Ma'ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn't just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.