MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
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One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
You sure about that?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?