mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
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So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
The three genders
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I love the honesty
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”