Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
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Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I’m going to need a moment here.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.