Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
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big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.