[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
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So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
japanese corn
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.