Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
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Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.