Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
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Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
The booster protects against what, now?
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Ape together strong
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.