Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
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“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.