Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
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[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE