I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
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The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Lmfao
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.