@MattMcElaney: Mom always said she didn't have a favorite child, which was tough because I don't have any brothers or sisters.
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@collinwithtwoLs: *good cop/bad cop interrogation* *good cop is nice to the suspect* *bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free* man he's a bad cop
@PaperWash: Man's guide for a selfie: 1) Squint your eyes like your cool 2) Look off into the distance 3) Put your phone down 4) Don't take the selfie
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
@Naked_Wombat: 9: You like Twitter Dad? Me: Yep 9: I'll join and be your friend. M: Cool, extra math is great! 9: It's a math thing? M: yep 9: nevermind