@MattMcElaney: Mom always said she didn't have a favorite child, which was tough because I don't have any brothers or sisters.
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@lwhit_the_boss: If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain't no hope for the rest of us
@PaperWash: Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy's before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
@jjhartinger: I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, "thank you baby jesus" and left.
@hipchkk: I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, "Period!"