MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
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Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
If I ignore life will it go away?
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!