MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
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[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I love art.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.