mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
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#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Every BBC series about the universe.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Need WebMD
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.