mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
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Wise advice
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!