mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
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Seems legit
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
the #horror is real!
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”