MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
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[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.