Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
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[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
*puts my mental health in rice
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
There is no “we” in chocolate.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.