@DirtMcTurd: My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty: Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.

@Rollmaninoz: Me: More fur & these cute little whisk- Police Sketch artist: you're describing a cat Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits

@david8hughes: [job int] "Under skills u put 'not being afraid of pigeons'." [nervously shifts in chair] "That's right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?"

@ericsshadow: 7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn't come last night. *wipes tear* Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.