@juliussharpe: People over 70 have a much different idea of what constitutes a story.

@KamaroPayne: My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

@KKAlThani: My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I'm craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.

@Karate_Horse: I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you but there isn't

@n0tblonde: If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.