Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
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PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.