mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
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Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF