mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
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If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Are you ok, human???
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.