mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
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Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
felt that
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life