mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
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somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….