@GoldenSpirals: Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven't answered her email and she wouldn't know the new address to send it to.
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@trevso_electric: When your girlfriend is PMS'ing, cheer her up by showing her that "totally weird" text you got from your ex last night.
@Kyle_Lippert: Her: What are your desires? Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]...Unconventional.
@SharkJelly: "Hey honey" *drags a cigarette* "have you ever" *drinks some scotch* "slept with a guy" *sucks a lollipop* "with three arms?"