My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.