Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
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I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
it was love at first sight
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.