Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
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HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.