“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
catch me on valentine’s day like
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Growing up was a huge mistake
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.