Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
You Might Also Like
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.