Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
You Might Also Like
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My brain is a bad influence on me