Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
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Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.