@UNTRESOR: Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don't like coffee. I'm gay.
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@WeissBrandon: When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.
@PaperWash: [driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
@ImaFlyontheWall: He looks at her, she undresses him with her eyes His clothes fall Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy..