Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
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[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
guilty
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.