@UNTRESOR: Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don't like coffee. I'm gay.
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@travisauruss: MAN TO LIZARD: "SO I HEAR YOU'RE IN FLOORING SALES" LIZARD: "IM MORE IN PROMOTION" MAN: "WHAT DO YOU DO" LIZARD: "I REP TILE"
@SamGrittner: If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby's would you go to?
@ImaFlyontheWall: *follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*
@dafloydsta: [marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions "He picked a fight with a raccoon" HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN