Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
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To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.