Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.