mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
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Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Lmfao
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
This is my brand.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.