@sskylark: mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@iwearaonesie: wife: The school called. Guess why? [flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69] me: Why?
@TheAlexNevil: Treat her like a princess & she'll love you forever. Unless she's an actual princess. Then she'll just think "I'm being treated normally."
@shutupmikeginn: An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here's everything she knows about me: 1) I don't have a car
@TitansHomer: My cousin: "i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!" Me: "some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me"