Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
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I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this