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@chanelsprinkles: mom: do the dishes
me: i cant im ugly
@sageboggs: How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don't be
2. don't have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
@DurtMcHurtt: People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
@Storminika: If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald's would be doing it.
@Quartzjixler: I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
@KeetPotato: [optimus prime chasing his gf to the front door]
but i can change