Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
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Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Happy Thanksgiving
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
And now we wait
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!