Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
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How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
*seductively corrects your posture*
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.