Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
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The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once