MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
You Might Also Like
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.