*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
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New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.